For example, today I skipped church and went to a bookstore instead - what an experience! It confused me - my head called out for a Holy Sabbath, but my heart enjoyed the freedom of a bookstore. Before today, it was the opposite: my heart told me, "You are Mormon, you are Christian, you should be a better person" and my head said, "Screw that!". But today, that feeling changed, and my heart lusted for the freedom of a secular world.
Could it be that, before, I was so trapped within religion that I couldn't see the joys of a normal life? I am always afraid that someone within the church will find out that I no longer care about their point of view; today, I couldn't care less. I feel peaceful again, something I haven't felt in years.
Buddhists are wrong - peace doesn't come from our inner feelings alone: it is inherently tied to our surroundings and the way we deal with them. By going to church, I was in turmoil because I felt I was living a terrible lie, and by keeping the Sabbath Day "holy" I supported the same myth that I make fun of every day. Why should I force myself to do something I disbelieve? To appease my parents? To see if I'm wrong? Or was it because I was so terrified of change that I refused to do just that?
I used to go to church merely to spend time with my best friend, Ben Olvera, but then he went off to college - the church no longer had anything I wanted. I don't want your hate-filled speakers, or your cult-like rituals, or your "sacred" buildings, Mormons - I just don't give a shit about you all anymore. I'm moving on with my life. By severing one of the four relationships I have with the church, I have freed myself from the pain of coercive belief.
Those relationships were the following: my friendship with Ben, my regular attendance of church activities, my friendship with Steve, and my dependence on my parents. My friendship with Ben, thankfully, is not based on religion, but I fear that my friendship with Steve is. For that reason, I hope he never reads this - I'm already discovering that the only connection between my parents and I is the church, and I get the feeling that they no longer care about me, my experiences, and my thoughts.
Anyway, you can summarize this whole post with one sentence: "I don't give a shit about Mormon ethics anymore, and damn am I happy about it!"
Those relationships were the following: my friendship with Ben, my regular attendance of church activities, my friendship with Steve, and my dependence on my parents. My friendship with Ben, thankfully, is not based on religion, but I fear that my friendship with Steve is. For that reason, I hope he never reads this - I'm already discovering that the only connection between my parents and I is the church, and I get the feeling that they no longer care about me, my experiences, and my thoughts.
Anyway, you can summarize this whole post with one sentence: "I don't give a shit about Mormon ethics anymore, and damn am I happy about it!"
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